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Spend any time reading Ask Chris and you must come to this conclusion: Christopher has a bent sense of humour. Even a question like “Are you funny?” is difficult for him to answer without making a joke. He responds, “Funny weird? Funny ha-ha? Funny, as in ‘Tastes funny’?” (June 14 2000) However, his sense of humour – which he draws from “the absurdity of life” (Aug 4 2000) – is one of things he likes most about himself (Mar 26 2000). Chris is known for cracking wise with his castmates on set, but he says that their joking around is “a 'ya have to be there' kinda thing” (Mar 26 2000). This section represents our attempt to put you “there.” Here’s hoping you enjoy and have a laugh at the world according to Meloni. As always, please – take none of this seriously. Editor ************************************************** Special Report The B! True New York Story: Christopher Meloni On-screen, he's a tough-guy, on-the-edge cop who tracks down the scum of the earth. In real life, he's a devoted husband and father of two. He's described as both intense and goofy; focused, but forgetful; accessible, but a loner.The question on everyone's lips is: "Who is the real Christopher Meloni?" After examining the evidence - gathered from the very words of Christopher Meloni himself - we try to find out. Stay tuned during the next episode of…B! True New York Story. MASTER OF THE RIMSHOT Christopher Meloni has been a working actor for more than a decade. Unlike other stars, Meloni spends a great deal of his time answering questions from fans on his official website. Here's where we first figured out that Meloni is somewhat...irreverent. The best thing his parents ever taught him, he says, is "discpline and the importance of edukashun" (Mar 26 2000). Before becoming a parent himself, he planned to change his children's diapers, saying, "Why not? I change my own" (Dec 8 1999). Unfortunately, a health problem may interfere with his home life. A fan who asked whether Meloni has The Clapper was answered with, "No, just the clap" (July 30 2000). On a happier note, one fan wondered whether Meloni has "always been so expressive in 'real' life," and whether people noticed and commented on his acting talent. Meloni replied, "The face thing was noticed at a young age with comments like, 'Stop doing that or it'll stick like that permanently.' Hopefully, face making is no longer taught in acting school" (Aug 4 2000). Another fan noted a particular expression that Meloni has mastered; apparently, he has "perfected the shit-eating grin." Meloni appears to agree, remarking, "It's why I never became a gastro-intestinal specialist" (Nov 1 2001). Luckily for him, he takes care of his teeth. One fan asked, "How'd you get to be so cute, Pookie?" Meloni replied, "I floss" (Aug 15 2000). When it comes to his career, Meloni appears to have a pretty good racket going. A fan who asked for all episodes of The Fanelli Boys was told that the person to talk to is named "Chris, but they cost $1,000 per episode…let me know" (July 24 2000). One person said that Meloni has most of his fans "feeling like White House interns." Meloni replied, "Pass me the cigar" (Aug 30 2000). The fan who commented on the Ask Chris process - organized by webmaster Brian - got an even more eye-opening response. The fan said, "I tend to think these people asking the questions have just as much balls as you do for answering them. This can be pretty intimidating. Thanks to both sides and of course Brian-in-the-middle." Meloni's reply? "If we're the balls on both sides and Brian is in the middle, what's that yer saying about Brian?" (Aug 4 2000) Finally, Meloni says that he is not planning to participate in the Running of the Bulls ceremony in Spain, since "it ain't the bulls I fear, it's the drunk asshole I'd be running next to. Besides, I don't know how to say in Spanish, 'The horn is lodged up my ass, doctor'" (Oct 19 2000). When we return: Is this the real face of Christopher Meloni? Or is there something more sinister going on beneath the surface? We explore the friendly advice and the diva-like behaviour that threaten Christopher Meloni's image…on B! True New York Story. [Commercials: Some guy hawking Stroh's.] WE'LL KEEP IT IN MIND Meloni has been known to provide helpful advice and counsel to those who write in for his words of wisdom. A fan who had to "sit back in amazement" at Meloni's talent was told, "Well, sit up - it's bad for your posture" (May 17 2000). The best way to get over a hangover, according to Meloni, is to "stay drunk" (Aug 20 2000). Meloni has also weighed in on the evolution vs. creationism debate; when describing the taste of monkey brains, Meloni said, "I once tasted the brain of a creationist from Kansas - that's what it tastes like" (July 30 2000). YOU MAY ADDRESS ME AS... Despite his (at times) helpful responses, Meloni's insistence on giving himself grand titles provides further insight into the workings of the actor's mind. B! True New York Story has found several examples of a healthy Meloni ego. Things start out humbly enough. Meloni denied that he thought he was "king of the world," as one fan put it. Instead, Meloni said he's just a "minor duke" (June 27 2000). He appeared to have no qualms about accepting a higher royal title later on. A fan who called him "a prince among men" received this response: "Let me rearrange my crown" (Oct 25 2002). When informed that Mariska Hargitay has dubbed him "Prince of Virility," Meloni said that the name "has a ring to it" (June 26 2000). He reports that Lee Tergesen's nickname for him is "all-knowing and manly man of manhood and talent" and adds, "I like it" (June 28 2000). When it comes to his fans, Meloni expects no less of them than he does of his co-stars. A fan who wanted to cover the school dorm with Meloni's image was told, "Have your college renamed to Meloni Institute of Higher Learning. Thank you" (Aug 11 2000). In response to another fan who commented on Meloni's penchant for modeling men's wear in magazines was told, "You will address me heretofore as 'Meloni: Modeling Adonis.' Thank you and pass it on, please" (Sept 26 2002). THE TEMPERAMENTAL ARTISTE B! True New York Story has long suspected that, beneath the easy-going banter, there lies the soul of a true diva. Has Meloni's success gone to his head? Is he just another temperamental artiste, another demanding Hollywood star? You be the judge. EXHIBIT A: PUBLIC IMAGE Things begin innocently enough. One fan asked Meloni to recount his "most embarrassing moment in bed." Meloni demurred, saying, "I feel a strange pull not to reveal these things to a stranger. Why attempt to yank me from the pedestal of celebrity and make me human? Why, dammit, why?" (Mar 14 2002) The "pedestal of celebrity" upon which Meloni is perched apparently prevents him from doing certain more lowly forms of public relations. When asked whether he could manage to do an interview with Metal Rules! Magazine (which had done an interview with Meloni's then co-star, Lee Tergesen), Meloni grudgingly replied, "O.K., will do. My 'handlers' probably want me to do more high-falutin' type mags. I can't be seen saying 'TOOL RULES, BRA!'" (Feb 15 2002) References to his "handlers" have become more sinister. A fan informed Meloni that an autographed picture of the star had arrived with "little heart stamps" on it. Meloni stated, "Hearts on my pics, huh? They'll be fired by morning" (Apr 17 2000). EXHIBIT B: THE MEMOIRS Meloni has made several somewhat specious claims regarding his forthcoming memoirs. One fan suggested that he could write them soon, considering that Kenneth Branaugh wrote his autobiography at the age of 28. Meloni appeared flattered by the suggestion, but stung by the comparison to Branaugh: "Oh my child...I am, in fact, wildly fascinating and worthy of a many-volumed tome. I worry, however, that should I be brash, bold and brave enough to put MY life story down in all its glory, then next, I'll be tempted to star and direct a film in which I run around my laboratory sans shirt but wearing light, stretchy little leotards with my obliques spilling over the sides, turning wheels and pulling ropes with my freshly oiled arms as I create LIFE. I'm not that big of an asshole yet" (Aug 20 2000). Later, however, Meloni said, "Oh, I'm making mental notes for this runaway best seller that is a must-buy, must-read blockbuster for the coming holiday season of 2027. Hardback will be around $120" (Nov 14 2003) and also confirmed that he's "kicking around the title If You're Looking for Me, Try Webster's under 'Fabulous'. Thank you" (Oct 17 2000). EXHIBIT C: DETERIORATING RELATIONSHIP WITH FANS Again, things start innocently enough. A fan who had not written in to Meloni in several years received a warm welcome from the actor, who said, "Welcome back. I'm slaughtering a fatted calf as I type" (Feb 26 2004). The same fan told him, "I feel like I should send you flowers or something," since reading his responses to fan questions helped to brighten her day. Meloni graciously responded, "Flowers from acolytes are not needed. Just knowing that the wisdom of Me insures tranquility and solace in [the fan's city of residence] is bloom enough for Me. Oohhhmmmmm" (Sept 12 2000). Those capital letters Meloni used when referring to himself (or should we say "Himself"?) apparently were not entirely in jest. The evidence that B! True New York Story has been able to uncover reveals a disturbing pattern. Has Meloni gone over the edge? He's claimed that his fans' questions are so important to him that if they ever were to run out of things to ask, he would "crawl beneath an African waterfall, lay down with the elephant bones and die" (Dec 2 2000). Despite his avowed attachment to the question-and-answer process, Meloni has not always been forthcoming with kindness in his answers. One fan asked, "What food and beverages do you have in your refrigerator right now?" Meloni's response: "I'm really supposed to drop everything and go look in my fridge for this fucking answer? Uh...no" (Oct 18 2000). Another fan inquired, "Will you love me tomorrow?" Meloni remarked, "What makes you think I love you today?" (Nov 2 2000) Meloni seems to demand more from his fans than does the average star. At first, his expectations seem reasonable. Meloni scolded one fan who couldn't "decide which character I love more, Stabler or Benson" by snapping, "Well, since yer writing to Stabler, how about making a choice?" (Nov 4 2004) Another fan who spent several nights reading Meloni's answers until the wee hours of the morning was told, "This is yer brain on drugs...this is yer brain obsessing on Meloni. Yer brain, yer choice" (Dec 19 2001) and was later instructed to "back away from the uppers and turn off the computer for a day or two" (Dec 19 2001). However, Meloni once advised another fan in school (who found Meloni to be such a distraction that her grades suffered), "You are going to have to decide what's important: some stupid diploma thing or me" (Jan 26 2001). One fan let Meloni know that, due to television scheduling, it would be possible to watch Meloni's programs for eight hours or more per week. It is worth noting that Meloni inflated that figure from eight hours per week to eight hours per day, exclaiming, "Wow - Meloni, eight big hours a day sounds like...heaven...or an infomercial" (Jan 21 2001). Another fan asked, "How much is a reasonable amount to spend on Meloni-related merchandise on eBay?" Meloni replied, "If you have to ask, then you can't afford it, sweety" (Dec 3 2001). Although pleased to have an official website, Meloni is apparently not totally satisfied with just that level of attention, saying, "If I could only get people to rub my belly for good luck and then throw money in my fountain, it'd be a perfect world" (Oct 29 2001). This longing to engage in physical contact of some kind with his fans isn't limited to gentle rubs of his belly. One fan, who apparently was contemplating a foray into sadism, inquired, "What would you say if I bit you on your right buttock?" Meloni, apparently contemplating a foray into masochism, replied that he would say, "Okay, now the left. And this time, mean it" (Nov 14 2000). Meloni has threatened all those who claim to adore him with the following: "Shortly, I'll have an official pledge my fans will have to memorize just to prove that they really do adore me as much as they say" (Nov 4 2004). This is not nearly as serious as the following advice Meloni gives to those who want what one fan called "The FULL Meloni experience": "Read my answers to all the questions in the Ask Chris section and then have them committed to memory. Then, get yer hands on as many pictures of me as you can and wallpaper yer house with them (repeat photos are allowed). Then, watch everything I've ever done and once you have, commit all dialogue to memory...that's a good start" (Apr 2 2004). When we return…more examples of a big star going on a star trip? Or is there more to the madness that is Meloni? Stay tuned to...B! True New York Story. [Commercials. Some guy hawking Quick hamburgers. In Flemish.] YES, I AM THIS FABULOUS As B! True New York Story investigated further, it became clear that Christopher Meloni has always had a very high opinion of himself. One fan who called him "a pretty darned neat person" was told, "I'm nifty too, thank you" (June 14 2000). That claim to "niftiness" has expanded to declarations of his full-out fabulousness. Meloni has commented, "Yes, many fabulous events have needed me and invited me. They love me. And I, at times, grace them with my presence. And then the next morning, I flip feverishly to the gossip page to see if there were any sightings of ME on the 'scene.' I am becoming quite the scenester. I am popular and people like me for me" (Oct 4 2000). One person that would not be on "the scene" with Meloni is Tommy Lee Jones. A fan who asked if they've ever met (and who said that the two of them in one room "would be enough testosterone to overdose the average woman") was told, "No - it's not permitted by law" (Oct 1 2000). A fan asked how Meloni handles being beautiful. Meloni replied that his success with this problem is due to his "amazing strength of character" (June 15 2002). In addition, when responding to a fan who called Meloni "unbelievably hot," Meloni admitted, "I tell myself that, like, every morning to my own likeness" (Sept 8 2004). However, when informed that he has "the power to make relatively sane people lose their ability to think just by looking at them," Meloni replied, "I didn't know I had THAT much power. Wow...I think I am truly flush with power. I think I'll become a preacher and sell my ego in the guise of God" (Sept 26 2002). I AM A SUPERSTAR Convinced that our investigation had already turned up all the evidence pertaining to Meloni's self-aggrandizing, B! True New York Story was shocked to discover that there was yet more. With respect to one of his scenes with Sister Pete in Season 3 of Oz, Meloni says, "I'm lobbying to have it admitted to the Library of Congress" (May 22 2000). One fan who admitted to not having seen all of Meloni's performances was told, "Say ten Hail Marys and buy a VCR" (Sept 24 2000). However, he told other fans (who were dedicated to creating a class of his early television work, "If you can sit through all my TV movies, you should get a diploma" (Oct 30 2001). In fact, Chris is such a huge star that he prevents his luggage from being misplaced by making reference to his celebrity: "I have a big sticker that says, 'This is C Meloni luggage. STAR of MANY TV shows. If found, please return for autograph'" (Jan 19 2001). Meloni is not half as supportive of the careers of his co-stars, saying that when he goes to their movies or plays, "I usually wind up throwing rotten fruit at the screen, stage, etc. It's a bad habit" (Nov 2 2000). When we return: How much of the Meloni attitude was influenced by his early success on the HBO prison drama Oz? What effect has this acting experience had on the actor…both on the screen and off? Finally, what is the real relationship between Meloni and Lee Tergesen? All of this next…on B! True New York Story. [Commercials: Some guy hawking McDonald's.] ALL ABOUT KELLER Meloni is well aware of the popularity of his character. One fan wrote that there would be a “collective shriek” if Keller were to die at the end of the series. Meloni replied, “Emergency rescue crews nationwide will be on alert” (Aug 26 2000). In his real life, Meloni says that the Keller expression “Goddamn you to hell, you fucking hack in black” is one that he uses “often in check-out lines” (Sept 18 2000). In response to a question regarding which “Kellerism” is a struggle not to use, he picks the expression “Who knew you had balls?” (Sept 18 2000) Off the set, however, Oz cast members don’t seem to be much like their characters. When fellow ex-Ozzies star on Law and Order: SVU, Meloni says, “We mostly talk about the latest Tupperware products” (Jan 26 2001). For anyone who wondered why Keller wears boots to the communal showers, Meloni says, “To be stabbed in prison is one thing. To get athlete’s foot, that's a whole different story” (June 14 2000). If Meloni were in charge of coming up with a motto to put on a Keller-themed T-shirt, he’d pick the phrases “Wanna wrestle?” and “Say ‘Ahhh,’ bucket” (Sept 17 2000). When he saw the buckets that he signed for an auction, he says, “My first thought was, 'If I pee in it, will it fetch more money?'” (Jan 26 2001) He also says, “I am staking my claim as the first TV pee-er. Thank you, I'd like to thank the Academy and bathroom attendants...” (Jan 26 2001). The most shocking thing about Keller (or Meloni, take your pick) is his affinity for cross-dressing. Meloni says, “How do I see Keller? In a little taffeta number, hand-sewn by the webmaster Brian” (Feb 16 2003). THE GAY ICON Given some of his performances and his stated preference for transvestitism, it is not surprising that Meloni has a reputation for being quite gay-friendly. He seems to be slightly conflicted about this; at times, he appears to embrace his status as a gay icon, but at other times, he attempts to distance himself from such comments (even as his answers give away his true feelings). A fan informed Meloni that according to an on-line poll, he was the leader in the “You're So Gay-Friendly, I'm Getting Hard” category. Meloni replied, “I won't bend over when I receive my award” (Jan 12 2001). He admits, however, that his favourite gay-themed reading material is not a book or a play; it’s “Honcho. The December 1999 issue” (Feb 12 2002). Another fan noticed that he and Brian Bloom “gave each other very specific looks towards the...'nether regions,' shall we say” while Brian was guest-starring on Oz and wondered if there was anything Meloni would like to tell his fans about his feelings for Brian. Meloni replied, “Keep yer hands where I can see them and then repeat over and over - it's acting, just acting. Side note: Brian and I have now been dating for seven months” (Oct 25 2002). In fact, Meloni identifies so strongly with a certain segment of the gay community that he’s apparently developed a love for Barbra Streisand that is so powerful that he tends to break out into song. When asked why his anti-musicals stance has softened, Meloni replied, “It's melted away under the spirit of Babs...PEEEEPPUUUULLL, PEOPLE WHO NEED PEEEEPULLLL ARE THE LUCKIEST PPEEEEPUUUUUULLLL” (June 1 2001). When he’s in a room with many gay people in it, Meloni says, “I start humming almost imperceptibly, ‘Peeeepulll. People who need peeepuulll. ARE THE LUCKIEST PEEEEPUUULL in the world” (Apr 4 2002). When asked in whose arms he would like to die, he says, “If Babs is on tour at the time, then my wife's” (June 9 2000). ALL ABOUT LEE TERGESEN It's been well-reported that Christopher Meloni and Lee Tergesen have a very good friendship. However, B! True New York Story carefully investigated many of the comments Meloni has made about Lee. Do they support the reports of a wonderfully close relationship? Or is there something else going on under the surface? How close are they…really? Meloni claims that "talking about Lee is like eating a big fat chocolate sundae. I know it's bad for me, but I can't help myself. I catch myself doing it all the time, or dreaming about it. I'm trying to quit 'cause it's ruining my girlish figure and I can't fit into any of my clothes the way I used to...wait...hmm. Metaphor run amok. Or is it an analogy? Hmm" (Sept 26 2002). He has claimed that he "never had the pleasure" of reading Lee's answers to his fans' questions, but when a fan suggested that Lee is a "talkative little bitch," Meloni agreed, "Yes he is, God bless him" (Sept 26 2002). One fan mentioned that, in his commentary for one of the Oz DVDs, Lee said that filming love scenes with Chris was so crowded that it felt like there was "a cameraman up your ass." Meloni responded that "the cameraman up my ass helped" him when shooting those scenes (Oct 9 2002). If there were to be a spin-off from Oz, Meloni says it would be called Leave It To Beecher, where "Lee runs a dry-cleaning service. We live together. Watch the sparks fly when we troll the Chelsea bar scene" (Oct 9 2002). The relationship between Beecher and Keller seems to be paralleled in the relationship between Tergesen and Meloni. A fan noticed that, when he posed for the cover of Metal Rules! Magazine, Lee appeared to be wearing the same blue thermal shirt that is part of Chris's wardrobe. The fan asked, "Are you guys going steady? If so, who pinned whom?" Meloni coyly replied, "Well, if you look really close, you'll see he's wearing my varsity pin, too" (Dec 6 2001). Meloni warns fans that if they would like to become the middle of a Keller-Beecher Oreo, they would need "a crow bar, 'cause when Lee and I get together, we can barely keep our hands off each other" (Oct 9 2002). Little wonder then, that Meloni became quite testy with one fan, who asked whether Chris gets jealous when he sees Lee "kissing another man like that Mondo guy" on the show. Meloni's reply? "No comment...bitch" (Dec 19 2001). If Meloni had a bad cold or stomach virus while working with Lee, he says that Lee would not only hang out with him, but "he'd even clean up after me and read me bedtime stories" (Mar 29 2002). One fan asked if Lee feels comfortable enough with Chris to show his "true feelings." Meloni answered, "He's shown me his garter belt, so...what do you think?" (Mar 29 2002) Another fan noted that Lee adores Chris and thinks that Chris "hung the moon." Meloni took that opportunity to correct the fan, saying, "I think Lee said I'm hung like the moon, but anyway..." (May 22 2002) One fan noticed the similarity between the Beecher-Keller relationship and the book The Story of O, which includes sado-masochistic scenes. Meloni at first appeared exasperated, saying, "Toby, Toby, Toby...I'm sick of hearing his name, dammit" (Aug 3 2004), but he went on to note, "I do enjoy giving Lee spankies whenever we hang out" (Aug 3 2004). When one fan (who also apparently contemplated a sado-masochistic relationship between Meloni and Tergesen) asked what nickname Meloni uses on Tergesen when Lee "needs a good spanking." Meloni revealed, "When he's really, really bad and he needs it really bad, I call him Beth. Questions?" (Oct 9 2002) THE BRAINS OF THE OUTFIT When not obsessed with his "bitch" Lee Tergesen, Meloni appears to be preoccupied with his own body, particularly his genitalia. B! True New York Story has the scoop. Meloni seems to know that his penis was a compelling reason to watch his performance as Keller. A fan who asked, "How's it hangin'?" was told, "See Oz" (Oct 29 2001). However, the little guy was never shown in his full glory on that show. A fan who asked why Keller was never shown with an erection was told, "The erection never came up - Thank you! Goodnight! - in the scripts" (Mar 7 2001). A fan asked whether his story line for Season 5 of Oz would include "anything to stretch his talents." Meloni said, "Well, it's hard. People say he can only grow so much as a performer, but I'm hands on with him - Tom Fontana and I will have a good, explosive scene or two coming" (Oct 29 2001). All of this attention only went to the head of the junior Meloni. Meloni senior confirmed that his genitalia asked for the separate billing "Special Guest Appearance By" in the Oz credits (Oct 29 2001). Meloni admits, "He was getting a bit cocky there, but I told him I was considering doing a horror movie, The Bris, Part II: The First Cut Is the Deepest. He shaped up" (Oct 29 2001). To keep his penis in shape, Meloni the elder once signed Meloni the younger up for the New York City Marathon (Oct 29 2001). One fan seemed to be worried about the larger Meloni overworking the smaller Meloni, saying, "Be kind to your penis. He's had a hard year and it isn't nice to rub him the wrong way." Meloni retorted, "Don't you fucking dare to tell me how to bring up my genitalia!" (Nov 1 2001) Finally, Meloni's fascination with himself extended to a unique form of exhibitionism. For Halloween 2002, Meloni says he dressed up as "a penis" (Dec 25 2002). THE WINDOWS TO THE SOUL When not distracted by his penis, Meloni's fans seem to be fascinated with his eyes. B! True New York Story finds that Meloni seems to be fascinated with them, himself. One fan recounted a dream in which Meloni and his "pretty blue eyes came to save ME from some bad guys." She then asked, "What was the last thing you dreamt about?" Meloni replied that his last dream was "that some girl took my eyeballs, clutched them to her bosom and said 'Thank you, thank you' over and over" (Mar 1 2003). Another fan asked about Meloni's exercise regimen, in response to which he gave a bit of information about his weight-lifting routine. When the fan ended her questions by telling Meloni that his eyes are "amazing," Meloni commented, "I lift weights with my eyeballs as well" (Sept 8 2004). Only one fan is lucky enough to receive the ultimate prize. After she thanked him for his time and "the eyes," Meloni let this cat out of the bag: "On my driver's license, I've instructed them to give you my eyes when I die" (Aug 20 2000). DUDE, WHERE'S MY HAIR? At one time, Meloni had a lot more hair than he does now. This seems to be the source of much consternation. An exploration of his comments on the subject reveals some cracks in the façade of the great star. B! True New York Story reports all the gruesome details. Meloni admits that he has, in the past, braided his hair, but taunts his fans by saying, "Wanna try and braid it now? Good luck" (Dec 27 1999). When one fan asked whether Meloni thinks that low self-esteem is the biggest problem human beings face, he said ruefully, "Well, that and male pattern baldness" (May 18 2000). Another fan asked what the SVU make-up department does "to enhance Elliot Stabler's inner loveliness." Meloni replied that they "tease my hair" (Jan 12 2001). To be more specific, Meloni explains that the make-up people "knock out an opossum and tape him to my head" (Sept 7 2001). Meloni has good reason to mourn the loss of some of his hair; it was critical to setting him on the path to fame and fortune. When one fan asked how he "was discovered," Meloni said that he was "in a soda-jerk shop, hunkered over some fries and a malted, just, ya know, tossing my hair about, crossing and uncrossing my legs, like that and then this, like, producer guy says, 'Hey, you.' 'Who, me?' 'Yeah, you. The one who can really toss his hair around...I'm gonna make you a star.' The rest, really, is just history" (Jan 26 2001). THE TRUTH FINALLY COMES OUT So, what's the truth? Is Meloni a down-to-earth guy who's devoted to his fans and his craft? Is he really a diva who believes his own hype? How much of what he says can be taken seriously and how much of it is a desperate cry for help? Only the crack investigative team at B! True New York Story can bring you the real story and the real Meloni. Why does he spend so much time answering his fans' questions? That one's easy; according to Meloni, he's "an egomaniac and have lots of time on my hands" (June 26 2000). What other dark secrets does Meloni hide? A fan asked what he would do if he had 24 hours in which he could "get as wild" as he would like, with no consequences. Meloni declined to answer, saying, "If I answered this question honestly and openly, I would lose my job, my fan base, and be arrested in 29 states" (Apr 2 2004). Perhaps those unrevealed desires have something to do with his choice of undergarments. A fan asked, "Strapless or crotchless?" Meloni didn't miss a beat: "For me? I like wearing both" (Dec 6 2001). A fan noticed that his wedding ring appears to be made of "several bands of a dark metal, like copper." Meloni wasted not a second before pointing the accusing finger at his wife: "We melted down a few pennies and fitted my finger. Thank you for asking, thank you for revealing the cheapskate I am stuck with" (Jan 14 2002). This general respect for marriage seems to extend to his friends' relationships as well. A fan who claimed to have "a thing" for Mariska Hargitay asked if there was any chance that her marriage wouldn't work out. Meloni quickly revealed the price at which he can be bought: "For $50,000, I'll sabotage the shit outta that relationship" (Nov 16 2004). Age is apparently catching up to Meloni. When asked to reveal the first thing he does in the morning, Meloni says he feels "how much my back aches" (Mar 26 2000). His evenings don't appear to be any more pleasant. After Oz ended its run, a fan asked what his plans were, given that he no longer had to film two television shows at once. Meloni replied that he planned to "cry myself to sleep at night and try to get a film career" (Oct 9 2002). It's questionable whether Meloni has the requisite experience to try his hand behind the camera. A fan asked whether he had "any previous experience directing." Puzzled, Meloni inquired, "Does traffic count?" (Jan 4 2001) Is it any surprise that Meloni himself sees a bleak future ahead? One fan asked Meloni to imagine what a People Magazine "Where Are They Now?" feature would say about him in the year 2021. Meloni provided this dystopian point of view on the article: "Chris Meloni, erstwhile star of the still-running Law and Order: SVU lost control of his bowels on an uptown bus yesterday heading for a chess tournament. People reported smelling a foul odor and then seeing Meloni pass out, possibly from embarrassment. The now near-reclusive Meloni denied any involvement in the accident" (Oct 29 2001). THE LAST WORD So, what's the last word? Is Meloni real or fake? Is he a hyper-macho, self-aggrandizing diva, an egomaniacal secret cross-dresser, or just a down-to-earth guy with a wicked sense of humour and great rapport with his fans (who all get the joke)? The answer, we think, lies in the response Meloni gave to a throwaway comment by a fan, who declared, "You're a doll, Chris!" Meloni's response wasn't an answer, but another question: "Ken or Barbie?" (June 30 2000) This has been a B! True New York Story special report. ***************************************************** B! True New York Story is a registered trademark of Broadcasting Rapturous and Interesting Artists Network (BRIAN) Inc.Last updated: March 04/06 | |